Death Toilet Paper
by PillowPeeper
Summary: Light Yagami is at the top of his ESE class and when a roll of killer toilet paper falls from the sky, his life takes a turn for the very worst. With a super smart detective on his trail and a manipulative girlfriend... Light's in all sorts of trouble.


**WARNING: This is just a joke. I am in no way trying to disrespect Death Note, or it's story-line. **

**If you favor Light as a character, please take no offense, and if you don't want to read a story about Light doing absolutely stupid things, then this story is not for you. **

**WARNING SPOILER ALERTS...AHEAD AND IN THE STORY  
**

**Basically this whole story is like a Death Note spoiler, I will basically be retelling the Death Note story, except things are going to be very different. Meaning *spoiler* when L dies, Mello and Near come. This will be a fairly large story... **

**Also, another WARNING, please I want you to know, that I am in no way making fun of the mentally disabled, or others who are intolerated by close-minded people (Gays, transsexuals, races, etc.). **

**If you are easily offended then this story is not for you. **

**WARNING (again xD) this story will contain, rape, severe manipulation, vulgar content, gross and disgusting mannerisms, and much much more. **

**If you aren't grossed out easily, hate Light Yagami, and like to laugh... keep reading!  
**

* * *

"A-A-After X c-comes Z." Hillary stated matter-of-fact at the front of the room, grinning proudly over her achievement in the alphabet.

Light Yagami clapped happily for her, she was so smart, but she was just one letter of from the correct letter. He knew it, he knew the answer. He was at the top of his ESE class. His mother always told him he was special. And he knew it too.

"Very good, Hillary. But you were one letter off." The teacher, Mrs. Hughes smiled sweetly, "But I believe Mr. Yagami knows the answer." She motioned for Light to stand up.

He rose, beaming at his class, "Well, actually, After X would come Y." He waved at Hillary, arms flailing around, "You'll get it right next time Hillary!"

Hillary started jumping around clapping excitedly, "W-wow Light! Th-That was awesome!"

Light sat down and stared out the window, having massive ADD he often couldn't control his neck as it often twisted to the side to watch the people below. His creepy yellow eyes stared out the window, but then widened as he saw a roll of toilet paper fall slowly from the sky, plopping down on the soft lush green grass with a little bounce.

He gasped, and then peeled his eyes from the outside world and shot his hand up, "TEACHER!" He yelled, "HEY. HEY TEACHER. I HAVE MY HAND RAISED."

She nodded and smiled, "Yes Light? What is it?"

"I-I… I have to go poop..." He bit his lip.

Some kids giggled, one said, "Haha he said poop!"

"Yes, you may. Make sure you grab a hall pass." She motioned to the hall passes hanging on the wall.

He grabbed one and hung it around his neck, then ran down the hall.

Light Yagami's class was on the second floor, and so he had to use the elevator, he hobbled through the doors and settled himself inside, pressing number 1. He danced a little to the elevator music and when the doors opened, he danced his way out.

Then he stopped, eyes growing as large as two dinner plates.

What was he doing again?

"Think Yagami." Light said to himself, "You were going to go get something."

Light glanced out the window on the first floor, and remembered what it was…

"Toilet paper!" He chuckled and rapped his knuckles against his head, "Oh man, I'm so smart!"

He wobbled out the door, but stopped about ten feet away from the toilet paper.

It was different from normal toilet paper, there were strange writings all over it, in a dark black ink. It wasn't neatly written markings, the ink seemed bled out on the soft toilet paper.

Light dropped onto his stomach, and crept forward, as if he were in the marines and was crawling under a barbed-wire fence.

He grabbed the toilet paper, and stared at it.

"Toilet paper…" He whispered to himself.

Suddenly something large collapsed on his head and fell over to his side, Light started to cry. That really hurt!

"I'm TELLING!" He sniveled, his face contorted in a lopsided sneer.

After a few minutes of crying he picked himself up and glowered at the cause of the pain.

It looked to be about as big as a phonebook, but it wasn't a phonebook. Beautiful black leather encased the whole thing, a little skull clasp held the book closed. On the top, right in the middle, was neatly written, 'Manual.'

"Manual? Of what?" He bent down and scooped it up, then the toilet paper next, "I'll just take you back home and study you. Because I'm smart and I'll find out what's going on."

He carried his newly found belongings with him back inside and to the elevator. It was already starting to close, so he quickly ran through the doors and pushed past the two boys inside.

"Hey watch it!" One snapped.

"Oh eh, excuse me." Light nodded politely and pressed the number two button. Heh... Number two.

The two boys suddenly realized that this boy was 'special' and bit their lips to keep from laughing as they watched the boy just stand there. His feet were wide apart and his rump was sticking out very far, his chest proudly raised outwards.

The giggled, and Light turned slowly to meet their eyes.

"What are you looking at?" One snapped, glaring at him.

"Yeah…" The other chuckled, "Reeetardd!"

If there was one thing Light Yagami couldn't stand, it was being made fun of for his mental condition…

"That's impolite. And I won't stand for it!" Light huffed, flustered.

"Oh? And just what are you going to do about it? Retardded faggot!"

The elevator doors swished open and Light stepped out, "YOU WILL REGRET THIS DAY!"

They laughed.

"You'll regret it! You'll never wish you made fun of a someone special!"

"Of a someone special? Yeah get out of here looser retard." The two busted up laughing once more, heads thrown back, howling.

Light ran down the hall way and stopped at his classroom.

He had to hide his toilet paper and Manual book! He shoved the manual book down the front of his pants, and then pushed the roll of toilet paper up his shirt. If he pretended to have breasts, then no one would suspect a thing.

Light walked into his classroom, grinning proudly. Mrs. Hughes narrowed her eyes a bit, but ignored it, when you have a class full of special children, you're going to have some strange things happen.

"Did you have a nice bathroom break, Mr. Yagami?"

"No. I most certainly did not! People made fun of me!" He pouted.

"I'm sorry." She said, not sounding sorry at all. She had a lot of people making fun of her students, but she just didn't have the time to chase down them all. It bothered her, but she knew when to let it go.

The rest of the day went by quick, and soon Light Yagami was sitting in his dark room staring down at the Manual, trying to decipher the giant rule book.

He couldn't understand a word of it, but he knew it was in relevance to the roll of toilet paper that sat before him.

He scooped it up and stared at it, remembering the first rule, "The roll of toilet paper kills people."

What the hell did that mean?

The second rule was, "If you sanitize yourself with this toilet paper with a person's name and face in mind, that person will die. "

That was even more confusing…

Light didn't know what to do… He started crying, why couldn't he understand anything?

He started hitting himself in the head, starting with his fist, then he resorted slamming his head into his desk.

"Well… it appears as if you don't know what the Death Toilet Paper is all about, do you?" A low gravelly voice chortled from behind him.

He spun around on his swivel chair, eyeing the giant monster in front of him.

"I've been waiting for someone like you to come and help me with this stupidly written manual!" Light cried angrily, throwing the manual at the creature before him.

The monster stared down at the book that had been thrown at him. He was a black themed type of creature, fluffy-like feathers drifted around his shoulder, spiky black hair that looked wind-blown; all in the same direction. Long thing legs were stuffed in pointy toed black boots. And a long torso seemed to wind up and crook over, as the creature seemed hunched over on himself. It had a white face, and black clown makeup spread over his lips as if forcing a smile, but the monster was smiling, rows and rows of jagged, crooked yellow teeth seemed to go on forever, yellowy eyes with red irises.

Light thought he was cute… Like a puppy!

"Well… allow me to introduce myself." The monster stared at him with a blank face, "I am Ryuk, the Shinigami. And you just happened to pick up the Death Toilet Paper." A long crooked finger pointed at the roll of toiletry on Light's computer desk.

Light stared at the toilet paper, "What does it do?"

"Can't you read?" The Shinigami snapped, plopping onto Light's pulled out bed, "It's toilet paper that kills people."

"How?" Light gasped, staring at the horrific killing machine in front of him.

"You wipe your ass with it while thinking of someone's name and face and that person will die." Ryuk waved his hands, stating the obvious, how boring.

Light sucked in a really loud noisy breath, "Why was I chosen?"

"You weren't… You just happened to pick it up before anyone else did. What, do you think that you were somehow chosen because you're so smart? Don't flatter yourself." Red eyes peered at the boy, "Why don't you…" It smirked, "try it out?"

Light shook his head, "This is some joke. Probably by those kids that made fun of me today…" He turned to his computer and flicked it on, "Oh yeah… I was supposed to look up who they were in the online yearbook."

"That sounds boring." Ryuk grumbled, "Why don't you just turn on the TV and find someone to kill?"

Light blinked, "I won't be killing anyone. This is obviously a joke."

"If it were a joke… I wouldn't be here."

"Huh? Oh yeah. I'm looking up those guys." Light clicked around on his computer, "Here they are. Todd Nickles and Peter Chilling." Light sat back and stared at the two, "I hate them. Slower people don't deserve to be mistreated."

"Then kill them, you can kill up to five people with one wipe." Ryuk grumbled from his bed, rolling around on the soft clean sheets.

_'Retard! You're so retarded! So stupid, so slow! So dumb! What did your mom drop you on the head when you were a kid?'_

He yanked down his pants and tore off a wad of that toilet paper, he bent over the desk and glared at the kids on the screen, right at Todd and Peter.

Ryuk stared at the bent over moon in front of him, grimacing, "Do you even wipe at all?"

Light wiped, smearing the toilet paper all over his rump, thinking only of Todd Nickles and Peter Chilling, the mentally handicapped bashers. And then the deed was done, just as it had begun.

"But… how do I know if they die?"

"You'll find out that at school tomorrow." Ryuk grumbled, "Do you have apples?"

"No?"

"Oh…"

Yes, Light would find out at school tomorrow. If those boys were dead… then what would happen then?


End file.
